


Without Thinking

by Fairheads



Category: Casualty (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29879433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fairheads/pseuds/Fairheads
Summary: Following on from episode 16, series 33. Charlie and Duffy have to work a difficult shift together.
Relationships: Lisa "Duffy" Duffin/Charlie Fairhead
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

Charlie could see Duffy's face as she walked away and the fear and tears in her eyes. She was hurting too, he could tell. But he hurt more right now. He knew he hadn't been there for her as much as he should but that was no excuse for cheating. The thought of her with Bill in bed made him feel physically sick. Why? Why didn't she speak to him if she had feelings for someone else? How could she have done that to him? What did Bill have that he didn't? He may not have been there enough recently but he had loved her for over thirty years and she knew that. They could have worked through the cracks that had appeared with some time and communication but it now all seemed too late for that. Sitting down, elbows on his desk, Charlie put his face in his hands.

'Please Charlie, don't do this. We're a team you said.' Duffy's words echoed in his head. Despite all of the pain and hurt, he wasn't sure he was ready to give up on them yet. He just needed some time.

The next morning, they bumped into each other in the staff room as they prepared for their shift. Charlie had only recently changed their shifts so they could spend more quality time together outside of work, what had seemed like a blessing previously, was now pure torture!

"Hi..." She whispered to him, putting her bag and coat in her locker. He noticed that she looked awful, her face was pale and tired and her eyes had lost all of their sparkle. He tried to smile but it was weak and unconvincing.

"Hi," he replied, making a cup of tea, before walking past her to his office. Duffy's eyes followed him, her whole body wanting to rush after him, hold him and shout 'this was all a huge mistake, please Charlie.' But she didn't, she let him go and a single tear rolled down her cheek. He didn't want her to do any of those things anymore. Had she really lost him forever?

The shift was long and busy. Charlie soon realised that every time he was in the same room or place as Duffy, she had moved away. He knew that she was hurting and it was her way of coping. Of course, he cared for her but he just couldn't see a way forward. He was hurt too.

Towards the end of their shift, the team had a difficult trauma case. A man had been knocked off his bike by a car and had serious internal injuries- a ruptured spleen, damaged colon and liver, as well as multiple abrasions and bleeds. It was not looking good. Duffy and Charlie had to work together with Ethan to try to save the man's life.

Standing right next to each other and passing instruments was not where either of them wanted to be but they were colleagues first and foremost and the best duo the department had. Passing instruments between each other, Charlie's hand brushed accidentally against Duffy's and she turned to look up at him. His blue eyes were like mirrors to his soul, she quickly looked down, she couldn't bear it. She couldn't fix this situation- he just didn't understand but she would give anything to have a chance to explain. Charlie could anticipate her every move, passing gauze, stitches and scissors before she even asked and Duffy did the same for him. How could two people so in tune with each other professionally have been so torn apart by a lack of communication personally?

When the patient suddenly went into VF, Duffy was tasked with CPR. After Fifteen minutes had passed, Duffy was exhausted. CPR was hard work at the best of times! Charlie could sense she was tired and whispered,

"Duffy, let me take over now love." She was too tired to fight with him and stepped aside, letting him continue CPR. The word 'love' had floored her, the endearment he had used so many times before had never meant so much.

Ethan asked Duffy to bring the man's wife in, time was almost up. Duffy removed her gloves and went to the relatives room. Taking a deep breath, she tried to prepare the lady for what she was about to see. CPR had been called off and Charlie and Ethan were standing either side of the man, making him comfortable.

Stepping inside resus, the woman froze and panicked, looking at Duffy for support.

"You can go to him, talk to him," Duffy whispered, putting her arm around the wife's shoulders and steering her towards the bed. Charlie watched how patient and loving Duffy was with the relative, he knew she was a great nurse and person but today it hurt.

Tears began streaming down the lady's cheeks as she stood next to her husband. Her sense of loss and grief palpable.

"Oh John... I love you... so much," she bent to kiss his forehead and reached for his hand. Charlie, Duffy and Ethan stepped back, knowing that the end was imminent and that this was the lady's last chance to speak to her loved one. It was always tough to see someone's last moments but Duffy found herself welling up more than usual today. She stood back, playing with her wedding ring, trying to regain her professional composure.

Before long, Ethan had pronounced the man's death and the woman had collapsed into sobs beside her husband.

"I love him so much, I should have told him more. We had so much we still wanted to do," the woman cried. It was Charlie's then to step forward to comfort her.

"I think he knew," he said whilst rubbing her back, tears in his own eyes.

Hearing those words was was too much for Duffy, she turned and left the room as quietly as she could. She found herself in an empty corridor and sat down on the bench and just cried.

After Charlie had returned the devastated lady to her other relatives, he went to find Duffy. He had a feeling she would be taking a moment somewhere quiet. When she heard the corridor door move, she stood up quickly. Wiping the tears from her eyes and smoothing down her uniform. When Duffy saw it was Charlie, she was worried she was in trouble for abandoning resus without explanation.

"Sorry for leaving," she apologised, trying to gather herself.

"It's okay- tough case," Charlie replied sympathetically. He stood near to her with his arms crossed, leaning on the wall.

"The worst," she nodded, fresh tears welling up in her eyes. She looked over at him and he looked at her, as she tried to wipe the tears away before they fell. He desperately wanted to take her in his arms, comfort her but he was so confused about his feelings, he couldn't move.

"P..."

"I ..."

They both started to speak at the same time.

"Hey, you first," he replied softly.

"Pl... Please... I... [she stumbled] can we talk Charlie? I know you hurt but please can we talk." She pleaded, her voice wobbling.

He rubbed his neck. He didn't know what to do for the best, should he agree? What was he doing here? This had been a mistake but he was her boss and he wanted to check she was okay, regardless of what else was happening. His heart said one thing and his head the opposite. Duffy noticed he looked stressed and without thinking put her palm out, reaching for his hand to comfort him. It was an unconscious action and it had surprised him. Charlie stood there unmoving. Her breathing quickened and chin wobbled at the realisation that he wasn't going to hold her hand, as he always did. She couldn't keep facing his rejections. Letting her hand fall back to her side, she turned away from him and began walking away, not wanting him to see her upset.

Charlie's heart was pounding as she began to walk away. He wanted her, but he couldn't bear it, all at the same time.

"Wait... Duffy?" He called and she stopped, still facing away from him. He continued,

"I have no idea... what I'm supposed to do. I'm confused. I hate to see you like this but I'm scared. I... When... You...," he struggled to form coherent sentences.

Duffy turned around to face him. She nodded, tears steaming down her face. There was no attempt to cover her face now. She understood, she loved him with all of her heart but she was broken and needed to explain.

"I... I know... can... we talk...? No expectations." She struggled to look at him, fixing her gaze on the tiled floor.

Charlie's heart overruled his head and pushing aside any uncertainty for a moment, he reached for her hand. He couldn't bear to see her this upset. Duffy didn't notice at first.

"Hey," he whispered. She finally noticed, looked up and uncertainly placed her left hand on top of his. His eyes were glistening with tears too,

"We can talk," Charlie confirmed, now holding both of her hands. Duffy's eyes widened in shock and filled yet again with tears. Charlie stepped forward, enveloping her in his arms. Her small body trembled with emotion,

"Thank you," she replied in between tears as his hands rubbed her back. They both knew this would be a long and difficult journey but at least they were finally on board the same train.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Series 33. Duffy opens up to Charlie about her diagnosis.

After the long shift, they both went home to sleep, Charlie at their house and Duffy still in Peter's spare room. Peter had been amazing during all of this, Duffy had not explained the whole situation but he and Tanya had been there, without question.

The urge to talk and stay close to each other was great, but they were exhausted and agreed to meet up in the morning. They both slept better than they had in ages just knowing that they had an opportunity to talk; it was a glimmer of hope in a horrendous situation.

Charlie met Duffy in the car park at Mestall Sands at 10am the next morning. He watched her step out of the car and stand by the boot, putting on her warm scarf, bobble hat and gloves. Charlie felt a rush of love and protection towards his wife. It was a bitterly cold day but they both felt meeting somewhere neutral was the right thing to do. Walking over to his car, she stood nervously waiting as he tied the shoelaces to his walking boots. He opened the car door,

"Morning," He said softly, hugging and kissing her on her right cheek.

"Morning," She replied timidly. Duffy felt nervous. There was so much she needed to explain but she didn't know where to begin. She was worried he wouldn't listen or understand. They separated and started to walk towards the steps down onto the beach. It was a large expanse of sand, over a couple of miles long, with a pier at the far end.

Charlie broke the silence first,

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry- I've been an idiot... I know you've... we've... been struggling but I don't know how you've been feeling because I haven't really given you a chance. But I promise that today, I will listen. Duffy, I need you to be honest..."

Duffy was heartened by his words. She knew that it was her turn to be brave and explain. She also felt it was her last chance.

"I... I... I've not been feeling right the last few months. I keep having these awful migraines so I went to my GP," Duffy explained.

Charlie was worried, was she about to tell him she was terminally ill? A brain tumour? Cancer? Why hadn't she told him? He looked over at her face, searching for clues- she was struggling to contain her emotions. He wanted so much to interrupt but instead let her continue, reaching for her gloved hand. They walked together, hands linked.

"He... he... diagnosed clinical depression ... anxiety disorder, gave me fluoxetine," she tried to explain, her voice faltering.

Charlie had stopped walking, he was shocked. How could he not have realised? His speciality was mental health! Why had she not said anything? She could read his thoughts,

"I... I couldn't find a good moment to speak to you... You... had so much on at work, the inspection, Connie. I didn't want to add to your stress. I wanted to support you. I thought I could manage it myself but... I don't think I did a very good job..." Her voice petered out.

"I could have helped you, I could have been there for you. We tell each other everything. No secrets remember?" Charlie replied, emotion filling his voice. The realisation that she was struggling and he hadn't been there was too hard to bear. Duffy knew all of this now, but it had been harder to see it at the time. She was trying to protect him but in doing so had done the opposite and now they were in a huge mess. It was getting harder to stop her tears from falling. How had she gotten it all so wrong!? Despite his feelings of hurt and disappointment, Charlie put his arms around her, understanding how low she had felt made it easier in some ways, gave him an explanation. They broke apart and continued to walk hand in hand along the sandy beach. There was no one about today, only a lone dog walker and some sea gulls.

"I thought it would be okay but it just kept getting worse. I started to have panic attacks. One at work... Bill was there with his daughter. He found me. I told him we had no secrets. I was going to tell you." Duffy explained.

Charlie felt angry. How had this man weedled his way into their lives, into the place where he should have been? Undermined their relationship? He felt sure Duffy would have told him, had Bill not appeared that day.

"After we fell out at work, I ended up in the pub. I was angry with you, I just wanted a drink to relax, to forget, a few drinks. Then Bill appeared. I honestly don't remember. I woke up at the hotel. I told him to leave." Duffy's sentences became shorter, the harder it was to explain her actions. Charlie dropped her hand, it was too upsetting to hear about her with Bill. He must have preyed on her vulnerability. She surely would have gone home otherwise. They could have talked, he could have apologised. Charlie continued to walk, leaving Duffy standing.

"You have to believe me when I say, it wasn't planned, it wasn't what I wanted. I don't like him. I'm not attracted to him." Duffy cried, trying to keep up with him.

"Charlie, it's you, it's always been you." She shouted to him.

"I don't know what's happening to me, I've lost myself. I've been dizzy, having falls, forgetting things. I think... I think... I'm not well." She was full on crying now.

Charlie stopped and turned to her, he had been listening to everything she had said.

"Fluoxetine with alcohol- drowsiness, coordination problems, dizziness?" He reeled off. A lightbulb moment. Could that explain that one night? It would feel better if it did.

"I don't know? Maybe? I haven't taken... I haven't drank that much. I'm not sure... I self diagnosed... it said d... de... dementia," she broke down once again. Charlie was shocked. He hadn't expected those words. It couldn't be? Surely? Short term memory issues, mood changes, confusion. It appeared she had many of the symptoms but they could also be depression, side effects of the medication. They would need to find out. One thing was certain, everything had changed. Duffy had always been there for him and he in return, would be there for her. Charlie took her in his arms and held her tight. Her head rested upon his shoulder, she was exhausted. They stood that way for a few minutes.

"Whatever is going on, I'm here love. We can find out together. I love you Duffy. Always have, always will. But no more secrets hey."

Tears rolled down her face, as she looked up at him. She nodded repeatedly.

"No more secrets!" She agreed. Leaning up, she kissed him tenderly on the lips. It was the sweetest kiss.

"I'm sorry. I love you Charlie. I'm just so lost." She explained, before he quietened her by putting his finger to her lips gently, lifting her chin and kissing her again for a little longer this time. The fire between them may have been dampened but it was still there. Pulling apart, Charlie realised how cold they both were. He rubbed her arms to make her warmer.

"You're freezing love, let's go to the pier cafe, get a cup of tea." Charlie wrapped his arm around her shoulders and they walked the remainder of the beach to the pier.

Sitting down, Duffy removed her hat and scarf. Charlie was reminded how beautiful she looked, her golden hair fell down upon her shoulders and the cold had given her rosy red cheeks. Now her tears had been wiped away, her green eyes sparkled.

"Thank you," he whispered, reachinh for her hand, which was trembling as she poured the tea. She stopped as he interlocked her fingers with his.

"Thank you for being so brave and trying to explain. I haven't been there for you but I promise, I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere." Tears filled their eyes as their hands held each other's tight. She smiled at him, that was all she needed to know.


End file.
